2-28-13 UPDATE

Feb. 27^th, Wednesday, 2013
APOLOGY
I owe you all a huge apology. 2 months and some! Too long. And not even a peep. SORRY :(
INSPIRATION

A friend of mine e-mailed me this video talk from TED. I listen to it almost every day. I would like to share it with you. This lady was in training to go to The Olympics and suddenly found her life to be drastically changed. [sound familiar?] In a short period of time’ she figured what she had to do. [smart, it only took me 8 years to figure this out].  Very inspiring…then I saw a video clip of my favorite guy, Nick, jumping out of a plane! A special harness was made for him. WOW! Talk about inspiration.

I could relate to Janine holding onto walls and being in the wheelchair. We all have to let go of the idea of who we are [or the idea/concept of who we think we are or are becoming] Because that all can change in an instant.
My Father was on vacation for ten days. He and his new wife spent some time visiting her relatives. It’s nice that they went away. It provided me time to reflect on me and my stuff without worrying about him ; thinking [more like obsessing] on his words, what I should have said, etc., etc., etc.
I discovered a part of me that was hidden. I’m still learning what I can and can’t do. But, I have made a costly mistake….listening to others say “Oh, you CAN’T do that” or just plain “NO”. I want you to take those words out of your vocabulary. Stomp on them, burn them out of existence, send them into space, [metaphorically] just get rid of them. Many will show you a path, take yours, not theirs. Also I’m learning to accept my ways of doing things. Trying to accept what this disease has done to me and its potential. And not to compare myself with others. This is not easy. I have to stop saying “if I was normal….”I AM! So are you!
I, everybody, has an unique opportunity, not many take it. The chance to change who we once were to someone new-a new identity. Opportunity is knocking at the door….Will you answer it? It’s scary to change. The word ‘change’ is frightening to some. I found that I like-enjoy, writing and creating. That’s my direction. Convincing myself is the easy part, convincing , ‘changing’, others perception of me’ [who I was], is not going to be easy.
…to be continued,  the blizzard is  next…..

You Got To Ask Yourself, Did I Hear 5 Or 6 Shots….

The chemo was once a month [every 3-4 weeks] For 6 months. Each session was about 4-6 hours, depending how long it dripped. About an hour each bag. [there were 4] 1 was an anti-nausea med. 1 bag, hmmmmm, maybe 2 of Saline[I was told]. 1 of the carboplaten [ is that spelled right?], the chemo.
Every time I went to a session I went by ambulance since I couldn’t walk, on my own. And every time I went to a session the lab made my special cocktail. My doctor called it “The big guns”.
I never got sick, not once! My hair, all my hair fell out, exactly at 3 weeks, to the day. [my Mother said my head was completely round]. (That would explain my hard headedness.) I told my parents, several times, I would lose my hair.[to prepare them] I, was so busy preparing them, I forgot to prepare myself.
 When hair is in your hand, I can’t explain that feeling, [disbelief?] There is no preparing yourself for that.
3 Weeks after chemo I itched like crazy. [my hair started growing back]. My Mother said I looked like I got into a cat fight. I replied, ”ya, you see the cat.”

And So It Begins.....

JULY 15, SUNDAY, 2012
WOW! Almost a month. Sorry. Let’s see, tests….oh yeah, my Mom asked me ‘if I memorized the tests’…little did she know, I did and practiced too. I was sick. [and I really was].
Let me digress here. When my Oncologist gave us the diagnosis he said first “This probably is the worst thing you’ll hear.” [does this mean I can forget about any vacation plans?]
Well, not knowing what was what, I asked him “So, what do we do to fix this?” His reply “Well” then he cleared his throat and continued with the first word squeaking like a hormonal teenager “We should probably take the aggressive approach, with chemotherapy.”

Sign On The Dotted Line…..

MAY 22, TUESDAY, 2012

I was 40 when diagnosed. January 2005-turned 40, February start getting really ill, March 2005-my diagnosis. A big year for me. The doctors said I would be dead in 2 weeks, and IF I survived I would be in a coma in 2 years. [It’s been 7 years now].

Remember I said I repeated many tests? One of them I call “the clock” test. They [the doctors] had me draw a circle [the outside of the clock] then the numbers in the right spots…the first one was near perfect, the second one was…..I guess it looked warped. Now I can’t even sign my name, I do an “X”. How sad. I never imagined I would be signing my name with an “X”. I can barely do that. It’s a big production when I do.

The Envelope, Please......

 MAY 12, SATURDAY  2012
I was reminded…

  “IF MY MEMORY SERVES ME CORRECTLY, THE ONLY WAY
YOU COULD STOP YOUR HEAD FROM TURNING BACK & FORTH WAS TO LITERALLY HOLD IT STILL.  I DID NOTICE YOUR VOICE CHANGE WHEN I FIRST VISITED YOU.  THERE WAS NO FLEXION IN YOUR SPEECH…”-AUNT

Another Aunt told me ‘when you feel your head go back and forth, try to move your head up and down’ [like a nod or a yes indicator]. ‘maybe that will stop it.’ That worked.

Finally, my Oncologist had a diagnosis for me, for us. If I remember right my Parents were there, me on a gernie, one of my sisters and her husband. All in the same room. [and the doctor]

He says, as he clears his throat and looks my direction, “You have a carcinoma,” I’m thinking ‘Ya, a carcinoma, soo’ [I had no clue carcinoma meant Cancer. I probably had a blonde moment, no offence to blondes. As my Aunt would say…I pulled an Ethel, it’s another story, never mind]. He continued,”We think it’s Ovarian, Stage 4.” In my mind ‘What is stage, so stage 4, big deal.’[Never heard those terms. The only word I understood was Ovarian].

What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger

APRIL 16-24, Monday-Wednesday, 2012

Many tests were done. Many days went by. Through it all were my parents and Chico, of course.[I know, you’re thinking ‘who is Chico??”] Many people gave me stuffed animals. One was a lion I named Chico. He reminded me of strength and courage, from God. [I still have the lion]. Chico was with me every step of the way. Every procedure and adventure I had.

One of the repeated tests was a Spinal tap. Which I argued with my Neurologist not to have it.[if you haven’t had one…don’t. it’s very painful. Spinal fluid drips verrrry slooooow, like molasses. While you wait there’s a needle in your spine to concentrate on]. I had a cap on [to cover the bad hair days]. You know ‘life is good’ wear. Mine said that. [hmmm, the last thing I bought with my mother. I remember she was looking for one for my father]. My Neurologist found the hat to be cute and funny. I put up such a big stink about the test he called my Oncologist to talk to me that it important to have it done. I had it done.
MRI’S, CAT SCAN’S, SPINAL TAP’S, X-RAY’S, a test involving a needle and my ovaries. [can you say…ouch!!], my first mammogram. I could hardly stand, at that point. My shaking was noticeable. My voice started sounding funny [I thought]. The Dr.s said my voice sounded fine. I think it was then my head started to go back and forth [as if stuck in the ‘no’ position], THAT drove my Mother nuts.

THE FIRST WILL BE LAST, THE MEEK WILL BE STRONG, DOES ANYBODDY KNOW WHO IS RIGHT AND WHO IS WRONG?

APRIL 10, TUESDAY, 2012

To make a long story, longer….I was admitted [NO, NOT COM-MITTED]. I felt like I had been rolled over with a steam roller. I was nauseous and wished they would hurry up, find what was wrong, fix it, and I could get back to my so called life. [it sucked, but, I liked it. It was MY life.] HIND SIGHT: I miss those sucky-times... I was there [I don’t remember] for maybe a week? Five days? I had two doctors. One Oncologist and one Neurologist. They repeated all the tests I had before and added a few to the mix.

There were many relatives and friends that visited. even relatives from far away. I thought, well, ask myself “what? Am I gonna die? What’s with all these people?!” [At some point the doctors told my parents, I was going to die. They should sell my car and buy a burial plot]. That’s exactly what my father did. Even when I asked them, flat out-[to the point-directly], everyone said “no, you’re not going to die”. My mother’s best friend said to both of them, “DO NOT TELL HER THAT. I don’t believe that.” They were both upset, crying.

AND, THEY'RE OFF...

MARCH 21, WEDNESDAY, 2012

Well, ummmmmm, I had to pee. HEY IT WAS A LOOOOOOONG WAIT. I shuffled to the bathroom, with my Mother holding my arm. Then back to the gernie. To wait some more. I had to go, yes again. This time a young intern came in. [No, I don’t remember if was cute, sheeze.] He looked in the computer and saw that I was there about a week ago. He took some info., my vitals, you know the whole gamete. Gave me an IV. [I still had to go] He said it will be awhile before the doctor came in. [I thought he was the doctor]My Mother, told the intern I had to go. He said ‘wait, I’ll be right back’. Well, he came back, with a male urinal.

THE JOY RIDE

MARCH 19 & 20, MONDAY & TUESDAY, 2012

I was upstairs, on the bed getting ready, when the ambulance came on the front lawn. [how much can one get ready for an ambulance??] The EMT’s had to bring me down the stairs with a chair-stretcher. I must have felt really bad to have an ambulance called. [I was 40, 5’5”, 104lbs , being ill I was 90lbs.] WOW, the cancer kicked my …… tooshie. The chair-stretcher became a flat stretcher-COOL. [I was impressed] Into the ambulance and to the hospital I went. On the way there the EMT’s asked me many questions, of coarse. Also asked me if I wanted oxygen. I thought I was  breathing okay but I said “Sure“. [I didn’t know what was happening to me.] As soon as it was on and I began breathing oxygen, I didn’t like it. I pushed it off and said “No, I don’t like it and don’t need it“.
My Mom driving right behind, I don’t remember if my Dad was with her and met us later. [I would venture to say he met us later]. My Mother and I waited in the ER. It was the weekend, loooooong wait on a gernie, in a room.

1,2,3.....ON THREE

March 06-10, Tuesday-Saturday, 2012

Boy, did I look like a truck hit me. [NO LIE]

My sister came over and I looked HOT, well maybe that’s not the right word, hot with fever? [Yeah, better choice of words.] She was sweet and offered to at least to wash my hair. I asked how because I couldn’t stand or kneel. She calmly said I can put a chair in the tub. [My first shower chair]. Let me take a moment to describe the bathroom, a little.  The room itself was hmmmm 6 X 8, maybe. 1 window above the commode at opposite side of the doorway. When you walk in to the right is the sink and cabinet and medicine cabinet. To the left is a tub/shower enclosure. In between the two is tile. In the hallway is the closet. [And if you look……I feel like a tour guide] My sister helped me from the bed to the bathroom. Once we were in the bathroom, BAM-BOOM-BANG!!!! I fell. [ fall #3-you’re saying ‘wait, what happened to #2??] Yes, there was fall #2. I just don’t remember it, it involved the bathroom however.

I hit my head on the tub, on the way to the floor. I had to lean against the tub, sitting, for my sister to wash my hair. At least that part of me was clean. 3 falls in 1 day. The flu, even a really bad one, would not cause me to fall three times in one day.

I yelled down the stairs, to my mother, to call for the ambulance to take me back to the hospital, again….